she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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