Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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