i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
