i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
