I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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