You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
