i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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