Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
