I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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