Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
