8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
