Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
