Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
