I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
