youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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