Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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