i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
