I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
