you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
