I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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