just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize