i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i just sent this text using only my big toe
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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