CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
My day in three words: secret purse cake
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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