HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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