he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize