You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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