I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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