I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
