can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
