I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
