I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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