I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
