i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
