My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In America we eat man semen.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
