apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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