when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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