i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
