I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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