There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
