Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize