Kareoke will never be a sober sport
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize
