Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
