It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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