If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I am spending my child support on dildos
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
