I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
