i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
