Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
