Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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