I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
