I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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