in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the day after is always just damage control
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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