please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
