I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I want a musical about memes.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
