Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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