My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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