the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
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