I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
His nipple licking is glorious
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