I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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