My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
