He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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